Here we are again at the start of another school year, the leaves will soon be changing and the holidays are just around the corner. I am half of a job share pilot program for the position of program coordinator in Cottonwood County. Cyndi Benson has been hired to fill the other half of the position. Welcome Cyndi!
      Cottonwood has been very busy, sometimes requiring Val from the Redwood office to make the trip to Windom to help out. I have greatly appreciated the help. We had an excellent turn out at the Cottonwood County fair, 499 people visited our booth—does this mean we have been accepted? Hard to tell, jury’s still out. Congratulations to Angie Sykora, she was the winner of our quilt drawing. All of our quilts are donated by the quilters of Our Savior Lutheran Church, Windom. The rest are given to women in crisis, who greatly appreciate them.
      We will be setting up a booth at the children’s fair in September, look for the update on our success in the next newsletter.
      October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness month. After October 1st, stop in at the Cottonwood County public library and check out the display case. Drop me a line and let me know what you think. I hope to have a project completed by elementary students included in the display. Watch for essays done by the sixth grade class on “The effects of domestic violence on society and my community; what I can do to make a difference.” I am looking forward to reading the responses.
      With November and December bringing in all the commotion of the holidays, remember you will enjoy them more if you prioritize and remember to celebrate life and each other, not the almighty dollar! Consider scaling down the gifts and exchange gifts made from the heart, in the end those are the ones we remember the most anyway.
                Enjoy—Shawn

      American society labels most bad or unpleasant feelings as anger. Is every intense emotion and feeling really anger? According to the above definition, “a sudden violent displeasure, accompanied by an impulse to retaliate,” it appears that we need to be more careful about accepting anger as a catch-all for every negative emotion. Anger is not a feeling, it is a response to a feeling. It seems it may be time to look deeper at what fuels anger; what is the real underlying emotion and call it by its real name.

      Feeling guilty for wrongdoing another person can lead to justifying our behavior; which leads to indignation and anger when we are called to explain our actions. Providing tools to accept the fact that humans make mistakes and are able to correct their mistakes, if they so choose, can be implemented at a much earlier stage of development. Thus circumventing the impulse to retaliate and allowing one to grow psychologically from an incident of wrongdoing.

      Again, another emotion or feeling. Fear unchecked leads us to resent what has caused us to feel vulnerable. By not addressing what is causing the fear, we allow the emotions to build to an impulse to retaliate or react out of anger. Allowing one another to feel and express genuine fear without being considered weak may re-route the path to anger and avoid the sudden impulse to even the score.

      Resentments seem to be easy to hold on to but very difficult to give away. Hurt or injury are at the root of resentments. Resentments give us the tools we need to even the score, which is basically the definition of anger. So how do we let go of our ammunition? We learn to look within ourselves and recognize pain, then we can talk about resolutions. If we can’t recognize or see the pain through the anger, we cannot dispel the urge to strike back at another person. When we get down to the level of real emotion, the fists come down and hearts are opened. When we can feel what another human being is feeling we can begin to rebuild.

      Communication is touted as the key to a good relationship, but based on the definition of communication, it takes more than that to build a solid relationship. Communication does not suggest that we take responsibility for our choice of words. It does not suggest that listening is probably more important than the words we share. However, it does suggest an “interchange of thoughts”. In order for that interchange to be successful, we need another tool - we need to listen.

      As the definition clarifies, it takes the ears to listen, not the mouth. It is impossible to actively listen when we are deciding what to respond while someone is talking. Interrupting someone is a sure bet that we are not listening. If you find this to be a pattern of yours, you may change it by consciously thinking about staying focused on what the person is saying. If you find that you drift off AND begin to think of your response again, stop the speaker and ask them to repeat what they said. It is okay to tell them you have lost your focus and need clarification.

      Empathy indicates the need to ‘identify or vicariously experience’ another’s feelings and/or thoughts. Can we do this if we have not heard what those feelings and thoughts are? Can we expect someone else to empathize with us if we have not communicated our feelings or thoughts in a manner that would allow them to empathize with us? Positive relationships take a mixture of communication, listening and empathizing and both people need to be active in all aspects for a relationship to blossom.

      Anger is a signal that we are not performing the tasks necessary for a positive relationship. Ask what the fears, guilt or resentments are below the surface and know that these are the acceptable emotions - anger is not.