Women with younger children often deny that the abuse their children witnesses or experiences affects their growth and development, although sometimes they recognize signs of emotional disturbance in their children. The children often suffer from severe learning problems in school. Imagine trying to concentrate on schoolwork while wondering whether your mother will be alive when you get home that day. Compliance typifies the children's behavior in school, but outside of school these children are often impulsive, unruly, and aggressive towards other children. They have learned many different coping styles to bully others or spare themselves from being beaten.

      When children in abusive homes grow to adolescents, they can no longer stay neutral in their parents' battles. They choose one of two tactics: either they become supportive of their mother and attempt to stop the battering or they identify with the abuser and begin to abuse their mother themselves. It is not clear why adolescents choose the responses they do, but it is clear that no matter which response they choose, they have ambivalent feelings towards their mother. They both love her and hate her. They want to protect her but they can't understand why she is taking the abuse.

      Staying together for the sake of the family is often cited as a reason for allowing victimization to continue. Women do not want to deprive their children of their fathers by breaking up the marriage.

      Data, however, demonstrates that children who live in a battering relationship experience the most treacherous form of child abuse. Whether or not they are physically abused by either parent is less important than the psychological scars they bear from watching their fathers beat their mothers. They learn to become part of a dishonest conspiracy of silence. They learn to lie to prevent inappropriate behavior, and they learn to suspend fulfillment of their needs rather than risk another confrontation. These children learn to be accommodating and cooperative. They blend into the background. They do not express anger. They do not acknowledge the tension. They do expend a lot of energy avoiding problems. They live in a world of make-believe. When they are older, these child victims report enormous feelings of guilt that they choose to conceal and deny the incidents rather than to attempt to intervene. They often assume responsibility for the beginnings of a fight.

      Sometimes the kids who live in homes where there is violence (hitting, spanking, hurting, talking mean).............

	are lonely.
	don't bring friends home very often.
	don't have an easy time making close friendships (mistrust).
	blame themselves for the violence.
	keep the violence a family secret so the family stays together.
	mistrust others, even friends and people with autbority (teachers, police, landlords, priests, etc.)
	have fantasy worlds or "pretend" friends.
	are afraid to try something new.
	are scared to show how they feel with their bodies (laughing, crying, hugs, kisses).
	tend to have accidents (fall down steps, trip) often.
	feel awful about themselves (shame) when they do something wrong, rather than feeling badly about their action (guilt).
	don't understand their role in the family; it hurts to have to side with either Mom or Dad against the other.
	have questions about safety and protection.
	side with or act like the abuser (the one who's doing the hitting, hurting, spanking, talking mean) because it's safer.
	feel responsible to "save" their mother; take on the protector role.
	reverse their role as a child to acting like an adult.
	don't admit that the violence happens.
	act like a "good kid"; nothing will happen to them if they're perfect.
	don't develop themselves; their feelings, muscle movement, or maybe speech.
	ignore their parent's voices ("parent deaf").
	are aggressive (ready to start fights) in how they talk and behave.
	throw tantrums or nag to get attention.
	really get into scary horror and violence through movies, magazines, TV, cartoons, or songs.
	are very afraid.
	are afraid of being left behind or forgotten by Mom or Dad.
	see love and violence as the same thing (hugs and pinches mean the same).
	feel powerless.
	do illegal actions (steal, street fight, drink alcohol, pre-delinquency, etc.)
	feel unsafe and do any of the following: baby talk, suck thumb, wet the bed,
	fear the dark, afraid to sleep, eat too much or too little, have nightmares, have phobias (fear of certain things).

      There are many different ways that kids react to what is happening in their homes. Some of these things kids do to survive or to get through life. Sometimes kids do things on this list because of the anger they hold inside and this helps kids to let the anger out. Do you do any of these things? Can you think of other ways you react? Are there better ways to cope?

      All of WRAP's programs provide community education and presentations on many different topics related to domestic violence. If you or your agency, group, church, or school would like further information about a presentation, please call and we can talk About it.