Volume 2 - Issue 2 Winter 1996
To the WRAP Homepage
A young woman by the name of Kami Tally died of gunshot wounds by her ex-boyfriend Louis Buggs. The previous summer when Kami broke off the relationship, Louis attacked her so severely she was hospitalized with serious injuries. Louis was sent to a work house and when he was released, Kami and her family repeatedly pleaded with police and judges that Louis was threatening to kill her.
Many women stay in abusive relationships because they lack emotional support and financial resources and fear that they will be killed if they leave. First of all, It's not uncommon for families or friends to ignore that the abuse is happening. For example, a woman goes to her mother the first time her husband hits her, during her first pregnancy. The mother told her "just make good of it, that's what marriage is about" and that "she owed it to her unborn child" to work it out. Everyone in the family knew about the abuse, but continued to be nice and polite to the abusing husband. This women never went to her mother for help again. Too often battered women do reach out for help, but it is not found.
Responses from professionals may tend to keep a woman in the abusive situation. Some doctors, for instance, have prescribed tranquilizers or antidepressants for a woman who is battered, to treat her symptoms of nervousness, anxiety and depression--it isn't their job to deal with the problem.
Not all, but some police officers also lack support or understanding for battered women. In an interview I did with a formerly battered woman, the police officer said "if he continued to be called out again for the same reason, he'd have to arrest both of them." This woman was devastated by such a statement. She was left feeling helpless and re-victimized by the system, speculating "does he think I asked to be abused by the person who says he loves me?", wondering what would have happened to her children and who would care for them. That was the last time she called the police during her marriage. According to a Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, police are more likely to respond within five minutes if the offender is a stranger, rather than if the offender was known to the victim, such as in domestic violence situations.
As a result of responses by family, friends and professionals, women may be discouraged from seeking help and feel that no one understands or can help her, so she returns to the abusive relationship, not feeling free to seek help again.
Women who are able to find emotional support from family, friends, and professionals may stay because they lack financial resources. The Council on the Economic Status of Women shows how unproportional women's and men's incomes are. The more education, the larger the gap between men and women. Also, if a woman has children, the number of hours she can work is limited even if they are available.
In an article entitled: "Understanding the Battering Situation", it was found that of divorced women in the US, less than half received child support regularly. This means that she will probably have to seek assistance from Welfare, but Welfare does not (and due to recent reform guidelines, will not in the future) provide enough money or resources to meet the needs she and her children may have.
In a Domestic Violence and Poverty Fact Sheet, it is estimated that 40-50% of women and children in homeless shelters are homeless as a result of fleeing domestic violence.
The abuser also provides some financial support. The abused woman knows that her family cannot get by without that support, so she stays and endures the abuse and the whispered criticisms of "why doesn't she just leave?" So the dim prospects for employment, the reality of welfare, and tbe need for "systems change" may be factors keeping her in the abusive situation.
The responses of family, friends, and professionals, as mentioned earlier, and the fact that many women can't afford to leave financially all contribute to practically giving the abuser a "license to abuse" and tells women to put up with it. Even when a woman does leave, it doesn't guarantee that the abuse will stop, which brings me to my third point.
Many women stay because they fear they may be killed and with good reason! National Estimates and Facts About Domestic Violence reports that women who leave their batterer are at 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay.
In the opening statement, I told you about Kami, a battered women killed by her ex-boyfriend. According to the 1996 Femicide Report, she is just one of twenty-one women and thirteen children killed in Minnesota up to September 15, 1996 where the suspected, alleged or convicted perpetrator was a current or former husband, boyiend, intimate partner, or family member of the victim. The definition of Femicide is: the act of killing a woman.
Of course, this in not to say that because leaving may always be dangerous, battered women should stay, but that leaving may require strategic planning and legal information to avoid any furtber violence and to help keep victims and their children safe.
Domestic violence touches all our lives in some manner. During the past 20 years or more, there has been a movement to end domestic violence and to help those who are victims of this crime. Part of this effort focuses on awareness of the factors that keep battered women in violent relationships. People often ask "Why doesn't she just leave?" As we all become more aware of the factors involved, maybe we should focus on the perpetrator. "Where is their accountability in all of this?" Domestic violence is a crime. Instead of ask why she doesn't leave, maybe we will begin asking, "Why does he batter?"
Editors note: As advocates working with issues related to domestic abuse, we
do recognize that some women are capable of being violent; however,
statistics show time and again that 95% of domestic violence crimes are
committed by men against women, and in the case of dual arrests, the higher
percentage of women were acting in self-defense.