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The Signs of Abuse


Are You In A Domestic Violence Relationship?


Does your spouse, partner, boyfriend, etc. do the following:

  • Tracks all of your time.
  • Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
  • Discourages ties with family and friends.
  • Prevents you from working or attending school.
  • Criticizes you for insignificant things.
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or taking drugs.
  • Controls all finances and forces you to account for what you spend.
  • Humiliates you in front of others.
  • Uses your religion against you.
  • Tries to make you jealous.
  • Constantly argues with you.
  • Threatens to take the children or prove you are an unfit mother if you leave.
  • Destroys your personal property.
  • Hits, punches, slaps, kicks, shoves or bites you or your children.
  • Threatens to hurt you or your children.
  • Uses or threatens to use a weapon on you.
  • Forces you to have sex against your will.


If you answered "Yes" to even a few of these, you are in a Domestic Violence Relationship and need to seek Counseling and help immediately.



YOU SHOULD KNOW THESE TRUTHS


False:Battering is rare.
TRUE:Battering is extremely common. The F.B.I. estimates that a woman is battered every 12 seconds in the United States. Over two million women a year are abused.


False:Religious beliefs will prevent battering.
TRUE:Religious beliefs do not prevent battering.


False:Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated incident.
TRUE:Battering is a pattern, a reign of force and terror. Once violence begins in a relationship, it gets worse and more frequent over a period of time. Battering is not just one physical attack. It is a number of tactics (intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, psychological and sexual abuse) used repeatedly. Physical violence is one of the tactics. Experts have compared methods used by batterers to those used by terrorists to brainwash hostages. Without outside intervention, battering tends to repeat itself, unless the cycle is broken with counseling.


False:When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore all must change for the violence to stop.
TRUE:ONLY THE PERPETRATOR HAS THE ABILITY TO STOP THE VIOLENCE. MANY WOMEN WHO ARE BATTERED MAKE NUMEROUS ATTEMPTS TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR IN THE HOPE THAT THIS WILL STOP THE ABUSE. THIS DOES NOT WORK. CHANGES IN FAMILY MEMBERS' BEHAVIORS WILL NOT CAUSE OR INFLUENCE THE BATTERER TO BE NON-VIOLENT.


False:Battered women always stay in violent relationships.
TRUE:Many battered women leave their abusers permanently, and despite many obstacles, succeed in building a life free of violence. Almost all battered women leave at least once. The perpetrator dramatically escalates his violence when a woman leaves (or tries to) because it is necessary for him to reassert his control and ownership. Battered women are often very active (and far from helpless) on their own behalf. Their efforts often fail because the batterer continues to assault.


False:Drinking causes battering.
TRUE:Assailants use drinking as one of many excuses for violence, and as a way of putting responsibility for their violence elsewhere. There is a 50% or higher correlation between substance abuse and domestic violence, but no casual relationship. Stopping the assailant's drinking will not end his violence. Both problems must be addressed.


False:Children need both parents, even if he is violent, or "I'm only staying for the sake of the children."
TRUE:The exposure to violence will emotionally impair the children.


False:Men who batter do so because they cannot control themselves or because they have "poor impulse control."
TRUE:Men who batter are usually not violent toward anyone but their wives/partners or their children. They can control themselves sufficiently to pick a safe target. Men often beat women in parts of their bodies where bruises will not show. Sixty percent of battered women are beaten while they are pregnant, often in the stomach. Many assaults last for hours. Many are planned.


False:Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.
TRUE:Some women can, and do, break the cycle, most often through leaving the batterer, and through counseling.




STILL NOT SURE IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED?


CONSIDER:

  • Are you cursed at, called names or blamed whenever things go wrong?

  • Is free time limited to your partner's interests only?

  • Are you forbidden to use money, never buy anything for yourself?

  • Is it impossible to enjoy outside friendships due to jealousy?

  • Does your partner have a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality?

  • Do you cover or make excuses for your partner's behavior?

  • Do you do more than a fair share of the work, paid or unpaid?

  • Do you feel you must ask permission to do things?

  • Are you sometimes punished for "misbehaving"?

  • Did your partner grow up in an abusive family?

  • Are you the "butt" of humiliating jokes?

  • Is there a scene if you express an opposite opinion?

  • Do you live in fear of your loved one?


IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED "YES" TO:
1 or 2Take notice, strive together to improve troubled areas.
3 to 4Seriously examine relationship, seek qualified counseling.
5 to 6Relationship breaking down, abuse is the issue. Marriage counseling may not be appropriate until FEAR ceases.
7 to 15Crises intervention needed! Seek individual help from counselor familiar with abuse issues. Joint therapy is not recommended.




HERE ARE SOME OF THE LATEST FACTS ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE


  • Every 12 seconds in the United States a woman is battered in her home.
  • Over half the women murdered in the U.S. are killed by a current or former partner.
  • 40% of battered women are raped by their partners.
  • Battering accounts for 25% of female suicide attempts and 4,000 homicides annually.
  • 17% of pregnant women are battered.
  • 25% to 45% of battered women have been battered in pregnancy, increasing the incidence of miscarriage, pre-term labor, and low birthweight.
  • Abused women have more GI illnesses, pelvic pain, and lifetime surgery than non-abused women.
  • 12% of teenagers and more than 20% of college students have experienced dating violence.




If you are in an abusive relationship you need to seek help now...through your local Domestic Violence agency, Shelter, Church, Law Enforcement Agency...or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help in your area at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TDD).

For more information you can contact us.
A Warning for Women / Signs of Abuse / Men Are Victims Too / SSN Changes for Battered Women